This wasn’t the post I wanted to publish tonight.
I had another one, but it isn’t finished.
It isn’t finished because I’ve been doing….all sorts, tbh, and it really, REALLY bothers me that I haven’t completed my to do list, and that I haven’t done what I wanted to do, in the time I wanted to do it.
And I know I’m not the only one who feels that way.
I’ve been feeling super overwhelmed for about two weeks, now. It seems like I have an ongoing to do list in my head, which I keep adding to, but nothing gets taken away.
I’m not a lazy person, like, at all. I do procrastinate at times….who doesn’t? But, the reason I’m not getting stuff done is because there aren’t enough hours in the day for me to do ALL THE THINGS I tell myself I have to do that day.
My mind does not switch off, ever. Honestly, it’s completely exhausting, and it causes me to be in a state of perpetual panic.
What’s worse is when I plan to do x,y, and z in a day, and then something comes up which means I’m not able to.
Take today for example. I was supposed to do the following:
- Go to the gym
- Finish editing tonight’s post
- Wrap Christmas presents
- Tidy and clean the whole house
- Catch up on reading, emails, and social media stuff
- Talk to my friend, who lives in London
- Take photos for the next blog posts
- Transfer a load of stuff from my old laptop to my new one
- Bake Christmas goodies
Not a particularly realistic list at the best of times, when you consider most of those things take at least an hour each, and that list doesn’t include stuff like “eat” and “shower”….
So, I slept through my alarm and got up stupidly late and got myself ready to go out when my friend rang to ask if I could go and help her with something, and then we’d grab lunch afterwards.
Of course, I could’ve said no, but I wanted to see my friend, and I always try and prioritise time with people I care about.
So I went and, by the time we were done, it was 3pm and I felt like I’d lost the entire day.
Mentally and physically panicked.
Because I felt like it was impossible for me to achieve anything by this point. My mind just completely catastrophised the situation. And I’ve been doing this every day for about 2 weeks.
I know that there is some underlying anxiety there, about a completely different issue, which I will share with you soon. So, I’m already kind of primed for panic. So, when I don’t get ALL THE THINGS done, it kind of sends me over the edge.
I’ve been trying to talk myself out of it and remind myself that the world will not end because I didn’t get my list done.
It’s not so much the activity on the list which is important, e.g. wrapping presents. It’s more that a list, to my mind, represents order and achievement.
The consequence of not getting through it isn’t just that I have to finish wrapping presents tomorrow, it’s that I feel like a failure for not doing what I set out to do that morning. My thinking spirals, and I feel like I have too much to do and not enough time in which to do it.
And eventually I end up with the mentality of, why not just stay in bed all morning? Which is, of course, completely counter-productive.
To some of you, this will sound ridiculous but, I know some of you get this kind of feeling, too.
And it might be a sign that you need to give yourself a break.
So, if you’re sitting there reading this and thinking “omg, yes, me too!” then this is just your friendly reminder to try not to let your mental state, as well as your opinion of yourself, deteriorate because you don’t think you’ve achieved anything today.
Think about what it is that’s really making you panic, and try and address that instead.
Y’know, if you can!
These things often come in peaks and troughs so, with every few days, weeks or even months of seemingly swimming against the tide, there will be times where you feel like so on the ball/on top of everything/can’t touch this/superwoman.
Sooo, maybe you have an extra cup of tea in the morning, to give yourself time to get your thoughts in order. And that means you miss 1 or 2 things off your to do list.
Or maybe you scrap the whole thing and go shopping for the day.
There is still time, you can still achieve what you want to achieve, and you are not wholly defined by what you do and do not tick off a list every day.
Thanks for reading my little brain-word-vomit. As always, be kind to yourselves m’loves!